Silent Fast

Woah! First entry of a first time blogger and it's off to the races. I don't plan on this being a regular thing, but I just had some experiences recently that I felt like sharing and hopefully even getting comments on (please comment!). So here's what's going on.

Last night I had an awesome conversation about love languages, and I realized that words mean a lot to me. God has also been teaching me a lot about the power of words lately. So what does this imply? Well, I recently joined a prophetic evangelism ministry, in which we use our words to bless people. I realized that (although not in the traditional potty-mouth sense) my tongue is often filled with jesting and ultimately pointless things. I have also learned from the past that fasting food is an attempt to bridal my own body, and to teach it spiritual truths that are higher that the physical senses that afflict during fasts. In a similar way, my decision was to go on an indefinite (although probably short) fast of verbal speech.

I've given a brief idea of my thoughts about why I did this, aside from the fact that the Lord asked me to when I awoke this morning. However, today I have quickly discovered that I have learned countless things that I would have never thought of before hand. The one (biblical) phrase that has been stuck in my head all day is "He was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and He opened not his mouth to speak." The crazy thing is I think that this experience has given me a new understanding and appreciation of the work that Jesus has already completed. I have kept silent today, been made a fool of for doing so, been mocked by the ones I thought loved me most, seen the way conversations go without me, and tried to just be in the presence of others. You would think that the hardest part might be not answering my phone, or trying to order food in the line at Snelling, or even worry about what I would do if my teacher called on me. The crazy thing is, God took care of me in all of those situations! No one called today. A friend randomly saw me in line at the dining hall, realized what I was doing and told the Snelling worker I wouldn’t be speaking so as to remove the awkwardness. And I never once got called on in my small classes.

But what struck me the most is people’s reactions. Some try hard to make you talk, some just enjoy being silent, some tell great stories on their own, and some intentionally try to make me look awkward, and some say untrue things to others in situations where I am left unable to defend myself. I felt totally abandoned, yet strangely close to my creator. The rightfulness of Jesus to defend himself I can only imagine, especially given His ability to do so. But he didn’t. Not once. What does that say about us? About our need to be appreciated by others? About our need to find acceptance? Well, I’ve found mine, and it is completely in the Lord. I quick little images of what Jesus did don’t even compare with the pain that he felt on the inside. In Corinthians, it says that Jesus literally “became sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” Get that? BECAME SIN. When Jesus asked the father, “why have you forsaken me?” It was because God had! Jesus was sin at that moment before He died, and he did not get to enjoy communion with His father during His death. Hello! Could you imagine giving your entire life to a cause that forsook you, rejected you, dropped you off at your death…yet you died for it?

Jumping back to my friends who slandered me, mocked and temped me…You may be thinking I’m coming off as a loner, or as a person who has given up on Christian friends whom I love. But I want you to know that it’s the exact opposite. I’ve had to learn that even with my Christian friends, I still have to receive my love from the father. I’ve learned to love them out of who He is, not out of how loving our relationship feels. At some point, man will always let you down, but God never will. The last people I ever expected tore at my emotions today. I’ve done a 10 day pure water fast, I’ve hiked 100 miles, I’ve been crushed by love, I’ve jumped out of an airplane…but I can honestly say that in this one day, nothing has so emotionally struck me with difficulty, nor connected me so closely to the heart of my maker. He desires you and is bursting with a heart to know you. He uses people. He uses every person he can. And I pray that I can be that person to someone…even you. So I apologize for the times Christians are hypocrites, I’m sorry for the way the church has presented God, I’m sorry for the times that I misrepresent Him. But I want you to know that I know Him. I really know Him. And He absolutely loves you. He wants good things for your life. He gave the Earth to humans and he won’t break His word. But he loved everyone so much that he came to redeem the world. I have a “ministry of reconciliation,” and that means that God wants to know you. He wants to lead you into better places than you could lead yourself. He wants to provide for you, free you from pain, guilt, depression, worry, anxiety, and to just let you know Him. You don’t have to feel guilty…just come home. Talk to you soon…I hope :-)